The characters in this story are the property of thier respective owners. I own nothing.

This fic contains references to various fictional lesbian pairings...this makes no statement as to the true sexuality of said characters, regardless of what I think. TPTB have decided for us, so who am I to argue?

Thanks to Blu, my beta reader. You rock!

Distant Sky Productions presents...

Hollywood Square Pegholes with a Side of Short Skirts! or Subtext meets Anime in Spork's Head

by Lex 'Spork' Tenou

OPEN on a shot of the Hollywood Squares board. The announcer is the ever indomitable and looney SPORK

Spork: Hello and welcome to this special celebrity edition of Hollywood Squares with a side of Short Skirts!

Haruka: What the hell is she prattling on about?

Priss: Why don't you shut up and let her get on with it blondie?

Haruka: You gonna try and make me, Miss I-couldn't-sing-a-note-right-if-I-tried?

Priss: You're just jealous because I have a better bike than you!

Michiru: Haruka! Don't even say it!

Haruka: (glares at Priss for a moment, then turns a megawatt smile on Michiru.) Yes, dear.

Priss: MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! You pu-

Sylia: (her voice low and warning) Priss...

Priss: (all of a sudden meek and calm) Sorry, dear.

(Michiru and Sylia turn to Spork and have their hands clasped in their laps, ignoring the fact that Haruka and Priss are staring daggers at each other over their partners heads.)

Spork: Ahem.

Michiru and Sylia: They're done.

Spork: I hope not...if they are what kind of fic will this turn out to be?

Juri: It's possible for one of your fics to have less of a plot than that excuse for a PWP you have up?

Spork: If I didn't like you so much, I'd show you a PWP!

Juri: Yeah, you're just saying that cause you know I would wear you out.

Spork: O.O

Juri: You know it's true.

Spork: Not thinking about that...moving on...Welcome to this special edition of-

Haruka: You did that already!

Spork: So? People have probably forgotten what this is already!

Priss: Just get on with it already!

Spork: Fine, fine...Starting from the top left square, we have with us Priss Asagiri and Sylia Stingray, brought in specially from Bubblegum Crisis!

Priss: Yeah, the GOOD one.

Spork: Moving right along....Next to them is Kathryn and Annika, better known as Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine!

Seven: Designations are irrelevant.

Kathryn: (whispers into Seven's ear for a moment.)

Seven: Make that designations are irrelevant unless they are being screamed out in a moment of-

(Kathryn claps her hand over Seven's mouth. She removes it quickly and replaces it with her own mouth, kissing Seven deeply as we J/7'ers have wished her to for years.)

Spork: O.O

(Haruka throws a plush toy ball at Spork's head.)

Spork: @.@ Whoa! Ok, I'm better now. Next to the lip lockers-

Kathryn: Hey!

Spork: Well, you are. Next to them is Amy.

Amy: Hi.

Spork: People may not remember Amy, mainly because her name was mentioned ONCE in the entire movie, but she was the butch in the 1972 section of "If These Walls Could Talk 2", and she did a damn fine job of straddling that bike.

Haruka: A sequel? You were only in a sequel?

Amy: So?

Haruka: (snorts.) We got our own season.

Amy: You want me to come over there and bust your head open, girl?

Spork: WHOA! No need to insult each other, guys! Calm down!

Priss: She's just sore you don't have that one chick she scored with here.

Spork: Oh yeah..that chick played by Jen from Dawson's Creek. Oh my god, I can't believe I know that.

Jen: It's ok, Spork, we're here too, remember.

Haruka: How in the hell did I miss that?

Spork: You were too busy looking at Michiru's cleavage.

Haruka: O.O I was not!

Spork: Yeah. Sure. Moving on...

Amy: What about my girlfriend?

Spork: Ooooops....(POOF! Amy's girlfriend appears next to her. We now see two Jen's in the studio, one draped all over Amy and the other draped all over Joey.) There!

Amy: Oh yeah!

Spork: Under Priss and Sylia, we have the Amazon Quartet from Sailor Moon!

Pallas: Hey there hot stuff!

Ceres: I thought these things were bigger.

Vesta: Pallas, I told you to leave the strap on at home!

Pallas: ^_^ Oooops!

Spork: TMI, you guys...TMI!

Haruka: What size is it?

Michiru: Haruka!

Haruka: What? I don't want to have the smallest one!

Spork: (faints at that thought.)

(Michiru blushes furiously and hisses at Haruka to hush. Haruka looks like she's going to speak again and Michiru grabs her head and kisses her to shut her up. Haruka has a shit eating grin.)

Spork: Right. In the middle square are Haruka and Michiru, two of the horniest, sicket, most twisted, perverted people I have ever met.

Haurka: What. (low sexy growl, the kind that makes everyone melt. Michiru looks like she's about to faint.)

Michiru: Oh, baby! (Grabs Haruka and pulls her into a steamy kiss, so got that my glasses got steamed just writing about it. They begin to drop down behind the big thing that shows the X or the O...I don't know what to call it...that thing..and as soon as they're out of sight, the entire Squares board begins to shake and rock steadily.)

Priss: Whoa...Haruka can really go!(looks on and takes notes. Shoots a glance at Sylia.) We'll be doing that move later. (Sylia tries not to faint.)

Spork: Right. Next to those two....entertained ones, we have Makoto and Ami, also from Sailor Moon!

Ami: (blushes) Hello.

Makoto: (distracted)Wow...I never knew the human body could contort like THAT!

Ami: (looks over) Actually, that position will become uncomfortable after ten minutes. If the right leg was raised two centimeters, the position can be sustained for an additional twenty minutes.

Haruka: (grunts, in an extremely sexy kind of way) Thanks, Ami.

Michiru: (moans)

Spork: O.O This is worse than being in chat with all those twisted people.

Juri: You're the freak writing this!

Spork: Your point?

Juri: (drawing her sword) I've got your point right here, utensil!

Spork: O.O;;;;

Juri: (laughs evilly)

Spork: Okay...(eyes Juri warily) on the next row, under the Amazon Quartet are the Starlights, also from Sailor Moon!

Taiki: You seem to have a fixation on Sailor Moon.

Spork: How astute you are, crossdresser.

Taiki: At least I don't go around claiming to be Haruka.

Haruka: (raises her extremely touseled head and bare, scratched shoulders, and asks in a low, sexy growl) Nani?

Michiru: Ohhhhh....(pulls Haruka back down before Spork can say anything.)

Spork: Erm...I didn't say that.

Taiki: (points to "by Haruka Spork Tenou" at the beginning)

Spork: Fine! At least I'm not claiming to be a crossdressing lesbian!

Taiki: Yes you are.

Spork: Oh, yeah ^_^;;; Anyway...Next to Taiki and those other two, we have the one and only almighty and exhalted Warrior Princess and her oh so fabulous Bard!

Xena: Glad you finally got to us. (sharpens sword idly)

Gabrielle: Put that away! Thanks, Spork! Always good to find another bard, even if that bard is a sick otaku.

Xena: What my bard said.

Gabrielle: Ooooo, baby, say that again...

(Xena twitches her eyebrow. Gabrielle falls into her lap. This time, Xena's eye brow goes up in that one look that gets us everytime. Gabrielle immediately begins to tear Xena's leathers off.)

Spork: Right. Next to Xena and Gabrielle is the ever popular Buffy and the best most bestest wiccan ever, Willow.

Willow: (blushes) Umm, yeah, well, this is, umm, well, nice, and this is, uhhh...

Buffy: Yeah, what she said. (looks bored, belying the fact the the reason Willow can't string two thoughts together is because Buffy's hand is in her panties.)

Spork: Right.

Juri: You gonna introduce me yet?

Spork: No. That is the Squares, ladies and butch gentlemen! Now to my right, all the way from Denton in a special one time only engagement, all the way from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Magenta, the Transylvanian!!

Magenta: Thank you. (leers at Spork and those in the Squares, the Amazon Quartet catching her eye with their outfits...or lack thereof.)

Spork: And finally, to my left, sharpening a really big really scary sword that she got from the same place as Xena, all the way from France, I mean, Japan, here is Juri Arisugawa, fencer extraodinaire!

Juri: About time, Spork. (finishes sharpening sword and examines the edge to make sure the blade was sharpened well enough. Of course, because this goddess of perfection did it, it is.)

Haruka: And here I thought I was her patron muse.

Michiru: Why the stopping? I didn't tell you to stop!

Haruka: Yes, dear.

Spork: O.O whoa...

Juri: You were saying something, Spork?

Spork: Oooook...right then! This game tests your knowledge and gullibility about all of these fandoms!

Juri: I am not gullible.

Spork: I'm not even acknowledging that.

Juri: What's that supposed to mean?

Priss: Think about it, dimwit! Does the name "Shoiri" ring a bell.

Juri: I'm pretending you never said that.

Spork: O.O Anywho!!! Moving right along! Magenta, you won the toss up, who will you pick?

Magenta: OH! (this sound almost like an orgasmic shout) I simply HAVE to pick those four delicious girls over there...those Amazons...mmm....

Spork: (eyes Magenta warily) Ooook..Amazon Quartet, your question is...How many uses DOES a Borg's left hand have? (Kathryn smirks contentedly)

Juno: I would think that would be obvious! 23!

Pallas: No, you git! It's 47! PallaPalla says so!

Vesta: I say it's an even 40.

Ceres: Don't you pay attention? I know that answer is 69!

(the others sweatdrop and perk up again, exclaiming, "oh yeah!")

Spork: So what's your answer?

Pallas: PallaPalla says it's 69!

Spork: 69...No comment. Do you agree or disagree, domestic?

Magenta: Mmmm...Ceres, lean forward a bit more! Oh, baby...Keep that up and I'll agree with whatever you say!

Spork: -_-;;; Agree or disagree, Magenta?

Magenta: Oh, I'll agree...Oh yeah, baby, take it all off!!

Spork: According to Kathryn, Annika, and the J/7'ers of the world, you're wrong, the possibilities are endless, even including a vibrating function.

Seven: Did you tell her?

Kathryn: No, I think it one of those fanfic writers again.

Seven: (sighs) They give away all the good secrets.

Spork: You mean it really does that?

(Seven grins and Kathryn blushes.)

Seven: Guess.

Spork: O.O;; WOW!

Juri: Down, Spork.

Spork: Ok...I'm ok...really.

Juri: Whatever.

Spork: Ok..Juri, you have a chance to steal the square with another question about the same fandom.

Juri: (Shrugs) Hit me.

Spork: Amazon Quartet, if Seven could kill any person in the Voyager universe for flirting with Kathryn who would it be?

Pallas: PallaPalla says Chakotay!

Ceres: I say Be'lanna...those ridges certainly would cause me some jealousy!

Vesta: Oh don't be stupid! It's obviously Chakotay!

Pallas: PallaPalla likes VesVes...VesVes agrees with PallaPalla!

Juno: I say that Kashyk guy.

Spork Do you have one answer for me here, girls?

Pallas: Chakotay!

Juno: Kashyk!

Vesta: Chakotay!

Ceres: Torres!

Spork: I guess not...Juri?

Juri: I'll disagree with everyone except Juno.

Spork: Well, Seven?

Seven: Kashyk is already dead for kissing my woman. Chakotay is protected by the Federation and Kathryn likes him as a friend. Be'lanna Torres is to busy keeping Tom Paris on the straight and narrow.

Spork: O.O Remind me never to kiss Kathryn. I want to remain living.

Juri: Gimme my square already.

Spork: Alright already! X gets the square!

Juri: I want Xena and Gabrielle for my question.

Spork: Yo! Xena! Gabby! You done down there yet?

Xena: (muffled) Ask away, Spork...

Spork: Gotta admire that ability to multi-task...ok, finish this line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show..."I was straight when it all began..."

Gabrielle: "Now I'm a regualar lesbian!" OOOOOOH YAH, BABY, RIGHT THERE!

Spork: Wow, she got it out even while orgasming...never underestimate the abilities of a bard. Juri, agree or disagree?

Juri: (looks at Gabrielle's twitching foot behind the console thingy) I may regret this, but I'll agree.

Spork: First smart thing I've seen you do, you're right! X gets the square!

Juri: (growls at Spork)

Spork: Eeep! Sorry! (cowers)

(Juri settles back in her seat. Spork eyes her warily)

Spork: Ok, then-(Spork is interrupted by yet another moan, this time from the camera) JEN! JOEY!

(Jen and Joey pop up, their hair messed up really really badly and their faces looking guilty.)

Spork: Can't it wait until after this show?

Jen: Well, she was just telling me about how she used to go for Dawson until I came around and then she started being all happy and huggy and-

Spork: THAT'S ENOUGH! I don't need to know anymore! Are the camera's aimed properly and rolling at least?

Joey: Yeah.

Spork: Fine. Continue. (Throws them a bottle of edible oil.) BUT STAY AWAY FROM THE CAMERA WITH THAT STUFF!

Juri: You done yet?

Spork: Yeah. Sheesh. Magenta?

(Magenta has Vesta and Ceres on her lap. She peeks around to look at Spork.)

Magenta: Yes?

Spork: You gonna choose a square?

Magenta: Oooo, give me those cuties in the corner...those Starlights!

Taiki: (gulp)

Spork: Alright you transvestites, here's your question...

Yaten: Transvestites???!!! Why I oughta-

Spork: You oughta decide if you want to be male or female is what you oughta do.

Seiya: If I had any personality I would make a witty comment here.

Yaten: Like you've done such a good job of deciding which you are?

Spork: I know what I am! I don't have to henshin to be in my true form!

Taiki: (claps a hand over Yaten's mouth) Can we just have our question?

Spork: Fine. Who in the Squares has ridden a motorcycle, and when?

Taiki: That's two questions!

Spork: So? Answer them!

Yaten: That bitch Priss does.

Priss: Do I have to come down there and whoop your ass, boy?

Yaten: (grumbles) Like you could.

Priss: Speak up, tranny, I couldn't hear you.

Taiki: Priss, I love you...please don't kill my...actually, could you kill them both for me?

Priss: Gimme a sec.

(Priss disengages herself from Sylia with a "I'll be right back", goes downstairs, borrows Xena's sword(with permission!) and lops off Yaten's and Seiya's head. This makes no change in Seiya's personality. She returns a cleaned sword to Xena, accepts the offering of a new bike and a trillion dollars from Taiki, and goes back to her woman's waiting arms.)

Spork: O.O;;;; Whoa.

Taiki: Ok. What was that question again?

Spork: Umm...who here rides a motorcycle?

Taiki: Oh that's easy, Annika does in that one story you read, Haruka rides hers..hys...all the time, Amy rides hers...hys...everywhere, too, Priss is going to go and ride that new one I just gave her and rides hers into the mouth of Boomers. Oh, and Xena and Gabrielle ride theirs in those uber fics you read too. Oh want to ride one too. Is that it? Yeah, that's all I can remember.

Magenta: Mmmm...I'll agree with that cutie, there.

Spork: (watching Magenta's ministrations on Ceres and Vesta)Good move..and nice move agreeing with Taiki, too, cause O gets the square!

Juri: Damned domestic.

Jen: (pops up just to say this) What the fuck's a domestic?

Spork: Your choice, oh mighty mistress of the sword.

Juri: I'll take Haruka and Michiru.

Haruka: Take us where? We've already been to Hawaii.

Michiru: We didn't see any of it!

Haruka: So? The inside of the hotel room was enough.

Spork: Riiight...Anyway! What does Amy's little girltoy find in her medicene cabinet?

Haruka: Please! She finds an Ultravibe Pleasure 2000!

Michiru: It wasn't that model! It was just a vibrator!

Spork: Please! We don't need a fight about what model it was!

Haruka: Yeah, yeah.

Spork: Juri?

Juri: Ah, what the hell, I'll agree.

Spork: Good thing too, right, Amy? That was a vibrator in her...hys...medicene cabinet! X gets the square!

(A rumble of a motorcycle is heard. Amy and her girl are on the bike, Amy's girl straddling the bike backwards in front of Amy. They are heavily into a makeout session. Spork coughs into fist.)

Spork: Magenta, your choice.

Magenta: (muffled by Ceres' and Vesta's breasts) The leather jacket and the bookworm.

Spork: Alright, Makoto and Ami, you heard, it's your turn.

Makoto: I'm not a leather jacket!

Ami: Yes, you are dear, look at what you're wearing.

Makoto: Oh yeah ^_^;;;

Spork: Anyway. If they were really the Scooby Gang, who would Buffy and Willow be?

Makoto: That's easy. Fred and Daphne.

Magenta: I'll agree...(is distracted by Ceres and Vesta)

Spork: You're wrong on that one, me bucko. It'd be Daphne and Velma. Juri?

Juri: Shoot.

Spork: Alright, Ami, Makoto....what is the Starlights true sexual preference, orientation, whatever you want to call it? Who do they screw?

Ami: Umm....

Makoto: Ummm...

Taiki: Ummmm....^_^;;;

Ami: Guys?

Juri: O.o I'll...agree?

Spork: Oooo, sorry, bad move there! The Starlights were last known to have women in their beds!

Juri: Dammit.

Taiki: ^_^;;;

Spork: It's ok though, because you get to choose the next square! Who will it be?

Juri: Gimme the Borgie baby and her bitch.

Kathryn: I am not her bitch! (Seven cocks her eyebrown up) Ohhhhh, baby....ok, I'm whipped.

Spork: I'll say. Ok, you two...what's that infamous bun that gets Ami and Makoto's blood boiling?

Seven: The bun is that of the red bean variety, made by Makoto and eaten in a provocative manner by Ami in order to imflame the arousal of Makoto to a level which would make it impossible to resist the advances of Ami when she chose to seduce Makoto.

Spork: Ooookay...Juri?

Juri: (eyes Makot and Ami, who are blushing) I'll agree.

Spork: Great! That means you get the square and win the game! Can we see which square was the special prize?

(Priss and Sylia's square lights up)

Spork: Oh, so close! And what was the prize? (looks at card) Oh, a month with all of the lesbians of all fandoms at your disposal! Too bad!

Juri: Too bad? TOO BAD????

Spork: Shoiri's your prize instead?

Juri: Really?

(Spork nods vigorously. A bad descends from the ceiling with an unconscious Shoiri on it. Juri goes heart eyed for those of you who can't tell. She leaps on the bed and it's taken out of our sight.)

Spork: Well, ladies and butch gentlemen, that ends our first (and most likely last) ever installment of the special edition of Hollywood Squares with a side of Short Skirts!

Haruka: Don't you have someone to go and screw, Spork?

Spork: ^_^;;; Oh yeah...Bye!

(Spork runs out to find the little woman. The various lesbians are all involved in their own sex acts. For descriptions...try another story.)


Buffy and Willow belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc. and Warner Bros.

Daphne and Velma belong to the people who made Scooby Doo and Hanna Barbera.

Xena and Gabrielle belong to Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal.

Priss and Sylia belong to Youmex/Artmic.

Jen and Joey belong to that dude who came up with Dawson's Creek, Kevin Williamson and the WB Network.

Amy and her girl and her bike belong to the people who made that movie...I think Ellen and Anne funded part of it.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show belongs to the fans! and the people who made it too, like Richard O'Brien.

Janeway and Seven belong to the makers of Voyager, Paramount.

Juri and Shiori belong to Be-Pappas, Saito Chiho, and Flower Comics.

The Starlights, the Amazon Quartet and Haruka and Michiru belong to Naoko Takeuchi and those other big name people.

I only own me.

The fanfics belong to whoever wrote them. I don't remember. When I do, I'll list them below.


oh yeah...Hollywood Squares belongs to whoever came up with it, too.

I wrote this at 4 in the morning as I read a peice of Xenafic I have saved on my hard drive. I thought it was too good to pass up. So here you have it.

It should be obvious who I like after reading this fic. And contrary to what you might think, I love Juri, I just think she was a bit...stupid. Shows she was in love ^_^

I have nothing against the Starlights and transvestites, I love 'em all, they like me too(I think). Gods, this fic could get me in SO much trouble.



After some thought a night's sleep I came to the conclusion that it was just plain lazy of me to not give credit to the facfic writers and their work that I've mentioned.

Listed here are the reference, the title and who wrote it, and if possible, where it is.

The idea for the fic itself, A Family of Hollywood Squares, by Amy

The PWP fic I wrote, Haruka's Theory, by Lex 'Spork' Tenou, my website

The idea that Jen and Joey are lovers, Dawson's Creek, by freelance spice, the Nifty Erotic Stories Archive

The idea that Utena takes place in France, general agreement between fans.

The first question, the J/7 fans

The vibrating function of Seven's Borg hand, Colonizing the Body by ms. russo

The uses of Be'lanna's ridges, various sick fic writers

Chakotay and Kathryn *shudder* a faction that is sick and twisted and can't see how perfect Seven is for Kathryn

Kashyk...Let's not even get into this one!

The line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show is an audience participation line, at the beginning of "Rose Tint My World"

Haruka rides her motorcycle all the time...just watch the show.

Priss rides her motorcycle nearly nonstop, watch the show, read a fanfic, she just can't get away from it. She rides into the mouth of a Boomer in the first of the original OAV's.

Seven rides a nice Harley Fatboy in the story, Harley-Davidson by Onyx. Can probably be found at Onyx's site.

Amy rides hers...hys...throughout the part of If These Walls Could Talk 2 that she's in.

Xena and Gabrielle get nice bikes in Second Chance by BikerBard

The line "What the fuck's a domestic?" is from RHPS, during the opening titles when we see Patricia Quinn be labeled as "Magenta, a domestic"

Haruka and Michiru going to Hawaii and not seeing anything besides their hotel room is from Second Honeymoon by Aaron, Consummation by Saun(one of the bestest writers ever), and the fact that no one who has EYES and a LIBIDO would want to leave a hotel room when they have the opportunity to be naked with Michiru!

The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000 is from South Park

Makoto in a leather jacket is from Muse by Erica Friedman

I think Buffy and Willow are Daphne and Velma. So there.

Watch the show..the Starlights go after who? The girls! What is their true form? Female! You put two and two together.

The red bean bun bit is from Red Senshi Diaries:Next Chapter by Erica Friedman

The idea to have all lesbians at Juri's disposal, Scenes from an Elevator by Drieser, who is the shiznit.

Ok, that's it. This fic is over. Go away.

Back | Main Page

Site design and layout by Taka Tenou.