Title:Am I Fabulous Enough?
Author:Lex "Spork" Tenou
Warning/Disclaimers:In Bad Taste
[TRANSCRIPT BEGIN: JANUARY 31, 2004. "Am I Fabulous Enough?"]
[FADE IN. SCENE: Set, typical of late night infomercial; washed out pastels,
overuse of white space, and teeth grindingly perky music. ENTER, Stage Left,
our host, TENOU HARUKA.]
HARUKA: [SMILE] Hello! I'm sure at some point in your drab and grey life, you've wondered, "Am I Fabulous Enough?"
[ENTER, Stage Right, KAIOU MICHIRU.]
MICHIRU: Hello, Haruka. Hello, everyone. [STOP. POSE. SMILE.] I'm sure you've wondered if you were fabulous enough. I know I used to! [POSE. SMILE.]
HARUKA: [NOD.] That's right! It was just before we met, wasn't it? [SMILE. SPARKLE. SHINE.]
MICHIRU: Actually, it was a few months before I met you.
HARUKA: [ANIMATED HEART appears. DAGGER stabs it.] Anyway! Tonight, we'll be discussing how you, too can be fabulous enough...
HARUKA and MICHIRU: To be a lesbian senshi!
[CUE Cheesy keyboard intro. Still photos FLASH by. FIRST SHOT: REI and USAGI
in a TONGUE WAR. SECOND SHOT: REI leaning on MINAKO, both SMILING. THIRD
SHOT: MAKOTO and AMI DANCING together. FOURTH SHOT: The STARLIGHTS, in their
POSES. FIFTH SHOT: GALAXIA, SMIRKING into the camera. SIXTH SHOT: SAILOR
LEAD CROW, SAILOR IRON MOUSE and SAILOR HEAVY METAL PAPILLION, MUGGING for
the camera. SEVENTH SHOT: TAIKI and NEPTUNE POSING as PRINCE DEMAND and
JEDEITE. FINAL SHOT: HARUKA holding MICHIRU from behind, both smiling.]
[LAST SHOT FADES. HARUKA and MICHIRU are in the same POSE as the picture.]
HARUKA: [WHISPERING FURIOUSLY] What was her name? I promise I won't kill her. Please?
MICHIRU: [ELBOWS HARUKA in the ribs. WHISPERS.] Hush, we're back.
HARUKA: [SMILE.] Welcome back! [WALKS AWAY from MICHIRU an her ELBOWS of Death.] What does being a lesbian senshi have to offer me, you might ask. And indeed, many of us hve wondered the same thing in your position. Here with the answer, Makoto and Ami!
[ENTER, Center Stage, MAKOTO and AMI, WAVING to the nonexistent audience.]
AMI: Thank you for having us.
MAKOTO: Great to be here!
HARUKA: [SMILE is beginning to wane as she continues to FRET over who touched MICHIRU before she did.] Why don't you tell our lovely viewers what they can expect from a lifetime of being a lesbian senshi!
AMI: [PUSHES glasses up on her nose.] I'd be delighted. First of all, a higher all around comfort level has been reported by all the lesbian senshi polled, with the exception of Galaxia, because she was still controlled by Chaos at that point. If you'll notice here - [TURNS to TV set into WALL which is displaying GRAPHS.] the overall wealth of the lesbian senshi is higher, though the dating pool is expanded slightly once the parameters of "Must know about Senshi duties" and "Must not be a battery for evil forces" are deactivated.
MAKOTO: [NODDING off to the SIDE. Slight SNORES are heard from her direction.]
AMI: Also, an increase in popularity among those with the most disposable income, males ages 18 to 34, and lesbians in the same age bracket. Due to the growing influence of lesbians and their groupies, we can expect a drastic growth in the next two years of lesbian senshi, based upon current projections.
[AMI STOPS, notices everyone has fallen ASLEEP. SWEATDROPS.]
AMI: Makoto? [POKES. MAKOTO STIRS, but does not WAKE.] Makoto. [Pokes again, in a decidedly more ecchi place.]
MAKOTO: [LEAPS to her FEET, APPLAUDING.] Great presentation! Woo! [SEES HARUKA and MICHIRU are still ASLEEP. NUDGES them with her FOOT as SMOKE begins to billow from AMI'S HEAD.]
HARUKA: [DROOLING on her ARM.] No, Mommy, I don't want to play "Find the Submarine." But it's thirteen feet deep! Noooooo! [WAKES UP.] Fabulous presentation, Ami!
[SMOKE continues to billows from AMI'S HEAD. MAKOTO begins to FIDGET
HARUKA: [ASIDE to MAKOTO] I thought you installed Nosmoke.exe.
MAKOTO: [ASIDE to HARUKA] It's incompatible with her operating system!
HARUKA; [POKES MAKOTO, WHISPERING.] Do something!
MAKOTO: [LOOKS around, PICKS AMI UP. EXTENDS HAND to HARUKA.] Key.
HARUKA: [HANDS MAKOTO the KEY to the private dressing room with the queen sized BED.] The left side squeaks.
MAKOTO: [NODS. CARRIES AMI OFFSTAGE. A BEAT later, we hear the SQUEAKY BEDSPRING.]
HARUKA: [TURNING back to camera.] Hi! Wasn't that fascinating! Ami tells it so well. [Notices that MICHIRU still hasn't WOKEN UP. WHISPERS.] Michiru! Michiru! [SHOUTS.] MICHIRU!
MICHIRU: And next, a fabulous performance by the Three Lights! [WALKS OFFSTAGE]
HARUKA: [FOLLOWING MICHIRU OFFSTAGE] It was Seiya wasn't it? No wonder she was so interested in me when we met.
MICHIRU: Would you just drop it!
[SEIYA, TAIKI and YATEN take Center Stage. They begin PLAYING "See Me, Boku-
tachi no Jidai". CANNED APPLAUSE SWELLS as they BEGIN.]
[As they PLAY, a MONTAGE of brief video clips are shown: HARUKA and MICHIRU
dancing, MAKOTO and AMI riding in a GONDOLA together, TAIKI as DEMAND trying
to KISS MICHIRU as JEDEITE. At this last clip, HARUKA RUNS from BACKSTAGE.]
HARUKA: YOU! IT WAS YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! [LEAPS for TAIKI'S THROAT.]
TAIKI: What are you talking about? I've been helping Yaten with her puppies! [Tries to fend off RABID HARUKA]
YATEN: [BEMOANING fatherless PUPPIES.]
TAIKI: If you don't watch it, I'm going to bite you! [Haruka continues trying to wrestle TAIKI to the GROUND.] THAT DOES IT!
[TAIKI transforms into BLOODY DRACUL VAMPIR. Her CAPE swirls behind her as
she grasps HARUKA and EXPOSES her NECK. With a HISS, VAMPIR sinks her
lesbian vampiric teeth into the smooth column of HARUKA'S THROAT. HARUKA
STIFFENS before SLIDING towards the GROUND, VAMPIR following her down. With
a final hiss, VAMPIR breaks off and DASHES OFFSTAGE with a dramatic
[MICHIRU WALKS ONSTAGE. SURVEYS the damage wrought by one errant lesbian
senshi, who is now gasping and dazed on the FLOOR.]
MICHIRU: [Wearily LOOKS into the camera.] On second thought, it's probably a better idea for you not to get involved.
[END GRAPHIC: "It's a Fabulous Life! Sign Up Today at Ginga TV!"
Is it obvious that I've read more than my share of Hollywood scripts? Or that I've spent entirely WAY TOO MUCH TIME watching Myu's?
Taiki was played (in the Myu's) by the same woman who played Hawkseye, Prince Demand, Bloody Dracul Vampir and Roof Mellow. Michiru was played by about a half dozen women, the best of which later returned to play Jedeite. I have pictures.
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