Please...does anyone else agree with me that the original fic was positively PAINFUL to read?

The email addresses are the originals, as given. So if you want to send an email to the original author, use one of the emails that the author conveniently provided for you.

If you are writing a fic, RESEARCH IT!! Find out little details like the name of the big expensive machinery in a hospital and that tiny little detail about how much it takes to kill someone!

I take no credit for the original fic. DON'T BLAME ME FOR THE ORIGINAL, BLAME "SAILOR EARTH" *shudders at that name*

At least I have a dash of originality in my name.

Lex 'Spork' Tenou

Distant Sky Productions presents...

MST: Split Up?!?

>By Sailor Earth

Spork: Beeeaaaans! Jackiiiiieeee!!! Tiiiiim!!! She broke one of your ruuuuuules!!

> What's it about?- Haruka and Michiru. The two
>each other,

Haruka: You mean we still don't need more than one bed? Or any form of night wear?

>but a day at the pool may cause the two to SPLIT UP?!?
> Rating- PG. Some stuff you may not like (Haruka fighting Greg).

Haruka: Or maybe the fact that there's a lesbian relationship could affect the MPAA into automatically rating it a pg-13 if they feel nice.

Michiru: Down, Haruka.

Haruka: Hai, hai.

> Disclaimer- Don't own anyone except characters I make up. YOU

Spork: There are actual characters in this? Coulda fooled me, I thought it was a couple of lunkheads masquerading as the kami-sama Haruka and Michiru. Bloody ignorant-

Michiru: Down, Spork.

Haruka: Don't hold back! Tell us how you REALLY feel, Spork.

>I use Japanese
>names because I personally hate the names 'Corinn' and 'Nerissa'. I use
>Japanese attacks because they're cool.

Haruka: (eyebrow twitch) Nani? Care to test that out?

Spork: O.O;;; Haruka, the fic JUST started, can we wait a bit before destroying it?

Haruka: (Grumbles something about stupid authors with idiotic ideas. Michiru places a hand in Haruka's lap. Haruka sweatdrops and quiets down.)

> "Haruka, let's go for a swim," Michiru suggested. It was, after
>all, July. The hottest of months anywhere you go.

Michiru: Except maybe South America.

>Just check the
>average temperatures. And they were in oh-so-sweltering Tokyo, Japan.

Spork: Oh-so-sweltering?

Michiru:(pats Spork's head) It's better to pretend you never heard that.

>The senshi were in Super form now, and Haruka and Michiru were still

Haruka: You mean, we're still f-

Michiru: Haruka!

Haruka: What? That is what we were doing before Spork called isn't it?

Michiru: (Narrows eyes)

Haruka: Ummm...I love you Michiru...

Michiru: Right.

Haruka: (meekly) Please don't hurt me?

Michiru: Oh I won't hurt you Haruka. (Haruka sighs with relief) In fact I won't touch you at all. For two weeks.

Haruka: O.O;;;;;;;;;;; Michiru! Baby! I didn't mean it!

Michiru: Hmmph. (flips hair)

Haruka: I meant that we're still hopelessly desperately in love!

> Bored, Michiru turned on the TV.

Michiru: Sounds like I have a good idea in here. Since Haruka won't be wasting my time for the next two weeks.

Haruka: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, please please please please forgive me (Haruka is now on her knees in front of Michiru, basically begging. Rather pathetic to tell the truth.)

Michiru: Aaaawwwwwwwww how adorable! Come here, you! (yanks Haruka up onto the couch. Spork turns away, suddenly very interested in the fic)

> "It's gonna be a hot one," Weatherman Dan said. Weatherman Dan
>was only the most popular weatherman in all of Japan, maybe more. (But
>certainly not the USA.)

Spork: (leaps up and yells at the tv) Wheatherman Dan? Are you kidding? What kind of a baka name is Weatherman Dan?

Michiru: Ara, Spork, calm down. (pulls on Spork's sleeve) We're decent.

Haruka: Spork has a point. That is the worst weatherman name I've ever heard. And what kind of forecast is that?

> "We know that, Dan," Haruka mumbled.

Haruka: See? Even that twisted parody of me agrees with me!

>It occurred to her that she
>had outgrown all of her bathing suits.

Michiru: Nani? (her eye brow arches and she looks at Haruka) I was under the impression we had agreed that you weren't going to wear a bathing suit anymore since you look a lot cuter in your boxers.

Haruka: (blushes) ^__^ Yes, dear.

> "Michiru..." she began.

Haruka: Why can't I end it?

> "What?" Michiru asked.
> "We need to go to the mall."
> "Why?"
> "Outgrew my bathing suits."
> "Sooo Ten'ou Haruka. I know you too well," Michiru said.

Michiru: I can't believe I just said that. Of course I know her well, baka, I'm sleeping with her!

>"Shootin' up like a tree."

Michiru: .....Either of you say a word and I WILL hurt you.

Spork: Gee, Haruka you really are rubbing off on her.

(Cue the huge pile of smooshies that fall on Spork's head)

> "Michiru, don't begin with that Southern thing. We ain't in
>Georgia no more!" Haruka joked, going with Michiru's routine.

Haruka: That Southern thing? Michiru?

Michiru: Oh, you are so KAKKOII when you're confused! (Michiru jumps on Haruka and the couch starts to rock. Some moans are heard. Spork is suddenly very very interested in the fic once more.)

> "Rootin'-tootin' fun it wuz there," Michiru said, doubling over
>with laughter.
> "Seriously. We need the mall."

Haruka: (Her head pops up over the edge of the couch, her hair extrememly touseled) You also need a better personality, but we won't get into that just now.

Michiru: Haruuukaaa! Finish! (Her hand comes up and pulls Haruka's head back down.)

Haruka: (slightly muffled) Yes, dear.

> "OK." Michiru pulled a brush through her wavy aqua hair and
>picked up her wand (just in case). Haruka fiddled with her very short,
>tan-like hair. She too grabbed her wand.

Spork: Either of you make a hentai comment and I WILL smite you.

Haruka: Who? Us?

Michiru: Never!

> They stepped out of Apartment 7 into the hall and headed towards
>the elevator.

Haruka: What, is Apartment 7 some magical apartment that makes all your wishes come true?

> Soon enough, Haruka and Michiru were in the parking lot.

Haruka: Not soon enough to get out of this fic, but soon enough.

>strolled to Haruka's bright red convertible and got in.

Haruka: (NASTY eyebrow twitch) Nani?

Spork: (Whispering to Michiru) What's wrong?

Michiru: Haruka hates red cars.

Spork: O.o?

Michiru: (shrugs) I don't understand it either.

Spork: Wait a minute...isn't your convertible yellow?

Haruka: It is at the end of S season, which is when I assume this fic is SUPPOSED to take place.

>Haruka started

Haruka: To kill myself to escape this mockery of a fic?

>the car and they drove to the mall.

Haruka: Why couldn't it have been off a cliff?

Spork: Because then Michiru would kill me.

Michiru: And this is bad...why?


> Tokyo Mall was so big; you could fit 17 Jumbos (the giant

Spork: And here I thought he was a tiny elephant.

>inside and would still be able to shop comfortably.

Michiru: And last week, they did just that, breaking the world record for the most elephants fit into a mall!

Spork: I think the fic is starting to drive her crazy.

Haruka: You couldn't tell that back at the Southern thing?

>Naturally, everyone was there, except Setsuna, who was off guarding the
>Gates of Time.

Spork: Didn't she move in with you guys after S season?

Michiru: Haruka is going to pick up the last load of her clothes after this MST.

Haruka: How the hell did she manage to get so many clothes while guarding that damn door?

Spork: Mail order and the internet?

Haruka: (caressing the Space Sword) Keep it up, smartass...

Spork: O.O (Gulps and returns to the fic)

>Even Mamoru was there, taking time off from work to be
>with Usagi and her pals.
> Haruka was at the Bathing Suit Bonanza

(Haruka opens her mouth like she wants to say something, but changes her mind and just whimpers.)

>and Michiru was getting
>some stuff for her violin when Usagi came moseying in.

Michiru: Haruka, when was the last time you saw Usagi mosey?

Haruka: Why that'd be the last time we had a hoe-down.

Spork: HEY! Watch your language, Haruka!

> "Hey...Haruka-san, whatcha doin' here?" Usagi asked.
> "USAGI!!!! According to my eighth-grade

Haruka: Did we suddenly fail a few grades and not get told? I was under the impression that we were sophomores in high school during S.

Spork: As was I... 0.o Does anyone else find it odd that the author has Usagi saying "whatcha"?

Michiru: Just pay attention to the fic, Sporky-chan.

Spork: Yes, ma'am!

>Modern Japanese teacher
>(shudder), the suffix '-san' refers to a man, like the English 'Mr.'.
>You should be calling me 'Haruka-chan'".

Haruka: (blinks)

Spork: Since you didn't mind when Mamoru called you "Haruka-kun" which is the real suffix used primarily for males, and you are called Haruka-san all the time by pretty much everyone except Michiru, I don't see why this author decided to have you say that.

Haruka: It's because their head is firmly lodged within their sphincter.

Spork: Oh, ok, that explains it.

> "What-ever!" Usagi said. It sounded obvious that she had slept
>through the 8th grade Modern Japanese lesson on suffixes.

Michiru: And so did the author.

Haruka: Not to mention sleeping through the fact that "Whatever!" is something Serena and not Usagi would say.

> "Well, I know (as you and many fans call him)

Haruka: 0.o

Spork: Did the author just make an aside to the audience?

Haruka: That's what it looks like...pain...stop...when?

>Mamo-chan is smart
>enough to know that," Haruka mumbled, fumbling through piles of
>bikinis. This made Usagi particularly mad. She pouted and proceeded to
>exit to see "Mamo-chan".

Haruka: Nani?

Michiru: Shhh, shhh, it's ok, Haruka. We know.

Haruka: (whimpers)

> Haruka finally made her decision, a two-piece blue suit.

Haruka: Eeeeewwwww....

Michiru: Ara, Haruka, you'd look terrible in that.

Haruka: (sniffles)

Michiru: Ohhh, Haruka...

(The couch starts to rock again. Spork avidly returns to the fic.)

>She paid
>and left. Michiru was waiting patiently outside.

Haruka: Well, that's a change. Are you holding my wallet, too, Michiru?

Michiru: (eyes narrow) Nani?

Haruka: O.O;;;; I'm sorry, honey...I didn't mean it!

Spork: She has a point though, Michiru. You DO have her hold your purse on a regular basis when you two are shopping.

Michiru: That does it. (henshin into Sailorneptune) DEEP SUBMERGE!

Spork: ow.

Michiru: (un-henshin back to Michiru. Is smiling and happy now. Sets herself down on Haruka's lap. Haruka grins.)

> "Usagi came by, huffing and puffing," Michiru said.
> "I gave her a lecture on suffixes," Haruka sighed.

Haruka: Some lecture. I can't even get it right.

> "Let's go get some tea before we leave," Michiru suggested.
> "Can we not get green tea? It reminds me of Setsuna," Haruka

Haruka: And that's bad...why? She's my best friend! Besides Michiru, that is...

> "Sure! Besides, I hate green tea." The two, looking like a
>perfect couple, headed to the tea shop.

Haruka: Gee, we might be looking like the perfect couple because, uhhh, WE ARE. (Michiru snuggles up into Haruka's neck, smiling enigmatically.)

> The two sat at a booth and ordered their tea. Michiru sipped it
>elegantly, like a princess. Haruka just gulped it (sort of).

Spork: How do you "sort of" gulp anything?

(Haruka arches an eyebrow.)

Spork: Don't answer that. (mutters) Hentai.

Haruka: Thank you.

>After they
>finished, they went back to Westminster Apartments to get ready to go
>to Glendale Pool.

Spork: Because we're in the middle of Suburban America, not Tokyo.

> Michiru was wearing an aqua-colored bikini and Haruka was wearing
>her new bikini.

Michiru: Nani? (cranes neck to get a better look)

Haruka: (hurt) Michiru!

>(It's quite rare to see Haruka in a bikini!)

Michiru: A pity if there ever was one...

Haruka: Michiru!

Michiru: Though I do enjoy you in your boxers a great deal more.

Haruka: (Blush) ^_^

Spork: Ano, what happened to "Haruka, you'd look terrible in that"?

Haruka: (looming menacingly over Spork) SHE CHANGED HER MIND, OK!

Spork: O.O eep! (hides)

>They got
>together towels and a bunch of other stuff and headed to the pool.
> At the pool, it was crowded.

Spork: Hmmmm, could be because it's SUMMER and people go to the POOL during SUMMER.

Haruka: O.o I don't think I've ever seen Spork achieve quite that shade of red before.

Michiru: Sugoi!

Spork: Nani? You sound like his lordship Chaos!

Michiru: (snuggles up into Haruka's neck again) Your point being?

>But a massive percentage of that was
>people tanning. (Those dummies didn't know too much about skin cancer.)

Haruka: Just like the author doesn't know that much about, gee, Sailormoon?

>So it was a problem getting some lounge chairs to sit in. But, being
>good old Kaioh Michiru, she asked to swim.

Michiru: (low, dangerous voice) Nani?

Haruka: Oooohh baby, you sound so sexy when you're angry!

> "Of course," Haruka said, also telling her that she would be
>joining soon.

Spork: Joining in what? (looks at Haruka and Michiru) Don't answer that.

> Some people swim, but some people swim. One of the people who
>belongs in the italicized category is Michiru. She was swimming at the
>bottom of the deep end. The manager of the pool was now trusting her
>and Mizuno Ami to find items on the bottom of the deep end, where
>nobody dared go.

Michiru: Gee, could be because we're WATER SENSHI. (silently fumes)

> Today, Michiru noticed, was a very plentiful day. She found a
>silver bracelet, $10 (I know the story's set in Japan, but I know
diddly about yen, so I use the dollar.),

Spork: You also know diddly about much of Japanese culture and Haruka and Michiru!

Haruka: Not to mention the Sailormoon Universe in general.

>a pair of goggles, and a swim

Haruka and Michiru: Nani???!!! O.o???

Spork: For some reason, I think it's safer not to ask.

Haruka and Michiru: Hai, hai.

>But while she was patrolling the Deep Dark Dare, another person
>swam in.

Michiru: Deep...dark...dare. Haruka?

Haruka: Hai?

Michiru: If I ever refer to water that way, please have Star Sailor Polaris smite me with a Gentle Uterus.

Haruka: (hugs Michiru tightly and glares at the fic) Hai.

> Michiru peered closer. It wasn't Ami. So who was it? A closer
>look proved it to be a man.

Michiru: Oh, joy. Here we go.

Haruka: (Eyebrow twitch) Nani?

> A man! Michiru thought. I don't want to be poked at for being
>with Haruka...but we were meant to be. Just like Usagi and Mamoru...

Michiru: Poked at?

Spork: It's ok Michiru...really...the author obviously doesn't know much of anything about harassment either. Not every man is going to attack you because you're a lesbian. Hell, half of them can't even tell, and most that can are gay. It's not like you're in any real danger of being...*ahem* poked at.

Michiru: Poked at? Am I some sort of dartboard?

Haruka: (Whispers to Spork) It's best if we don't answer. Don't worry, honey, I'm the only one who will be poking you.

Spork: TMI!

> In her moment of thought, she gasped for air. Her time was
>running out. Frantically, she swam to the top and broke the surface

Michiru: And now you're making me into an idiot who can't tell when I'm running out of air?

>Next to her, the man rose.

Haruka: (eyebrow twitch) That had better be in only one sense of the word.

> "Are you OK?" he asked.
> "I'm (pant) fine," Michiru said.
> "Let me help you up." The man hoisted Michiru to the side of the
>pool and climbed up next to her.

Haruka: (NASTY eyebrow twitch)

Spork: Oh no.

>He dashed to his lounge chair and got
>a towel. He ran back to Michiru and offered her a towel. She accepted.

Haruka: Michiru!

Michiru: It's not me! It's the fic! I want only YOU, Haruka...(whispers into Haruka's ear)

> "Thank you," Michiru said, walking to the chair next to the man's
>and laying down.

Spork: What happened to not being able to find a lounge chair?

Haruka: And where am I? Why haven't I beat the crap out of this shmuck for looking at my Michiru?

Michiru: Oh, she's so kakkoii when she's jealous...

> "What's your name?" she asked.

Haruka: (Growls) Your name is "Hello, I'm dead," as soon as I get my hands on you.

> "My name's Gregory, but call me Greg. And you?"
> "Kaioh Michiru."
> "Nice name."
> "Thank you." Greg began a conversation.

Spork: I thought that was a conversation? 0.o?

> "Who's that woman in the dark blue bikini?" Michiru sat up.
> "HARUKA?!?" she said, alarmed.
> "End of the LINE, buddy!" Haruka said, angered.

Haruka: (NASTY eyebrow twitch. Only the fact that Michiru is still on her lap keeps her from destroying the fic.) What did I just say.

Spork: (Wisely decides to not say a word.)

> "Haruka! Please!!!" But Haruka, being like Mako-chan, wasn't
>gonna stop a fight without a set-in-stone winner and loser.


Michiru: Shhh, shhh, honey, it's ok...(strokes Haruka's hair while Haruka grumbles and fumes.)

>And she
>wanted to be the winner. She punched Greg in the face and he kicked her
>in the shin.

Haruka: I punch the face. Am I now an idiot who can't fight worth crap?

Spork: (Unwisely) Apparently.

(Haruka growls. Spork cowers.)

>By then, a lot of people gathered to watch.
> "Fight! Fight! Fight!" they were chanting. Haruka took her next
>shot and punched Greg's stomach. By now, Michiru was near tears. She
>had just begun to get attached to Greg, and Haruka had to come along
>and attack him! This just wasn't right.

Michiru: Nani?

Haruka: Nani?

Spork: Calm down, you guys...

Michiru: I'm not fainting at Haruka's prowess?

Haruka: She's not fainting at my prowess?

Spork: Ok, you guys, the whole echoing thing is kind of annoying.

Michiru: So?

Haruka: So?

Spork: -_-;

> "Queen Serenity, Luna, Artemis, Diana, I know this isn't right,
>but I'm going to." Michiru pulled out her wand.

Michiru: What, am I praying to them? I am my own senshi! I do what I please!

Haruka: We know, dear...we know. (Glares at Greg)

> "Neptune Planet Power, Make Up!" She waved her wand around
>herself and a circle appeared, which turned to a wall of water,
>circling her. She threw back her hair and her lipstick came on.
>Finally, she ended in her ending pose.

Michiru: Like we haven't seen the henshin a million times already!

> "Haruka, I'm sorry, but Greg needs protection."

Haruka: No he doesn't, because when I get through with him he won't have anything-

Spork: HARUKA!

Haruka: What?

Spork: Can we leave the castration scenes off screen?

Haruka: Fine.

> "DEEP SUBMERGE!" A blue planet-shaped water sphere headed for
>Haruka and Greg. Haruka's hand got slippery from the blast

Spork: Ecchi.

>and let go
>of Greg. Almost unconscious,

Haruka: From two punches? Am I A-ko now?

>he fell into the Deep Dark Dare.
> "Greg!" Neptune said, jumping in after him. She swam gracefully
>but fast to find Greg. He was sinking pretty fast and landed on the
>bottom. Desperate, Neptune looked for a rope or something to grab Greg

(Haruka is majorly pouting. Imagine a little boy denied something he really not that...yes, that one, and that's Haruka.)

Michiru: (tries to hug Haruka and kiss her cheek) Haruka, I'm sorry, honey, I don't mean any of what I'm doing in this awful awful fic.

Haruka: (turns away) Hmmph. Yes you do! You're protecting him!

Michiru: I'm sorry, baby, really...I don't WANT to protect him...I don't want anything to do with're all the man I want.

Haruka: (perks a little) Really?

> "Venus Love-Me Chain!" A long and strong chain of hearts splashed
>in the water. Neptune took the chain and tied it to Greg.
> "Pull!" she bubbled.

Spork: (looks at Michiru)You can talk under water?

(Michiru is too busy with Haruka to reply)

>And Venus pulled. Finally, Greg was on the
>surface. Neptune helped him to the ladder and he climbed up.
> Meanwhile, it was confrontation time for Neptune.
> "You IDIOT!" Haruka said. "Why the heck did you go and save that

Haruka: Is that the best insult I can come up with? Bimbo?

> "Haruka, you don't understand. You never will. What you are is a
>manly woman.

Haruka: (death glare) The word is BUTCH, you-(Michiru claps a hand over Haruka's mouth so this MST doesn't go NC-17.)

>You don't have any feelings like love. All you care about
>is fighting, cars, and races. Go away! Never come back!" Neptune
>pressed the heart amulet on her bow. A bunch of aqua-colored ribbons
>circled her and she returned to her bikini. "GO!" she yelled.

Haruka: (goes back to a full pout) See?

Michiru: Oh, honey, I don't mean it.

Haruka: Prove it! (Michiru whispers in Haruka's ear) O.O (Michiru whispers some more, licking Haruka's ear as she finishes. Haruka is blushing and smiling)

Michiru: I do mean it.

Haruka: (Grabs Michiru in a huge hug and kisses her until she goes @.@.)

> Haruka, now filled with sorrow and sadness, left. Michiru got
>Hotaru (Sailor Saturn)

Spork: Nani? Now we're so stupid we don't know who Hotaru is?

>to heal Greg's wounds.

Haruka: Even Hotaru is liking this guy more than me!

Michiru: No, we don't, baby...we love you!

> Hino Rei was watching nearby. Poor Michiru, she thought. She
>starts to love a man and Haruka tries to murder him. I should go over
>there for moral support.

Spork: can a lesbian love a man?

> She skipped out of the dark spot where she was and came to where
>Michiru was crying.

Spork: Skipped? Since when does Rei ever skip?

> "Michiru, what's wrong?" she asked, as if nothing had ever

Michiru: ...Is Rei a total idiot in this fic or does she get better?

> "She doesn't want to talk," Aino Minako suddenly said.
> "Minako?"
> "I was here to see it all."

Spork: And you didn't DO anything, love senshi? What kind of a goddess of love are you?

Michiru: Obviously an idiotic one, much like the rest of the cast for this fic.

> "Poor Michiru. Should we call a doctor?"
> "That would be helpful. You call the doctor. I'll try to give
>Michiru some support," Minako said. Rei ran to find a pay phone and
>Minako knelt next to weeping Michiru.

Michiru: (eye twitch) Nani?

Spork: (Gulp) Umm...Michiru...remember, it's just a fic...

> "Hey girl. Just tell me what you want to. Let it out of your
>system. Come on," Minako began.
> "Well, I sort of like Haruka

Haruka: NANI!!!


>...but when she attacked Greg, all of
>those happy things floated out of my mind.

Haruka: (NASTY NASTY eyebrow twitch) Na. Ni.

Spork: (backs away from Haruka) O.O;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Michiru: Author no baka.... (groans) Why would I want anyone besides my handsome sexy Haruka? It's not like I'm left unsatisfied! I have no reason to want anyone else! My kakkoi Haruka is everything I could ever want in a man! BAKA!

>All I have now is hate. Hate
>for Haruka.

Michiru: (standing and yelling) BAKA! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID???

Spork: O.O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; (swats those damned sweatdrops away from around the head region) Ano, Michiru, the author doesn't know better...Calm...calm is good.

>And Greg was nice too..." Michiru began. Everyone left,
>searching for some Kleenex to wipe his or her tears on.

Spork: (blinks) Fuck it. YOU ADDLE-PATED EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING??? You don't EVER send ANYONE to flirt with Michiru! If she doesn't kill you, Haruka will massacre what's left! (Spork continues to rave and rant)

Haruka: (blinks) I haven't heard such an inventive string of curses in a long What a talent Spork has, ne, Michiru?

Michiru: Artistry in it's true form... A rusty spatula? (winces) Ouch.


>But Michiru had
>Minako's shoulder, which she used well.
> "I hope Greg gets well," Minako sobbed. She leaned over Greg's
>unconscious body and knelt down. She gently kissed his forehead.
> "Please Greg. I'm hoping you get better."

Spork: Unlike the rest of us! DIE, GREG DIE! A LONG SLOW PAINFUL DEATH! Oscar lover...

Haruka: Wow...Spork hates this guy almost as much as I do...

> Just then, an ambulance pulled up. Michiru dried off and covered
>up her bikini with a shirt, shorts, and sandals.
> "Excuse me, may I ride in the back?" she asked.
> "You may," said the paramedic. Minako decided to follow along.
>(Moral support.) Greg was put on a stretcher and put in the ambulance.
>3 paramedics followed with Minako and Michiru behind them.

Spork: Not only does this Oscar lover not know jack squat about you two kami-sama, he knows less than nothing about emergency medicene! RESEARCH YOUR FIC BEFORE YOU WRITE IT!!!! Baka....Ambulances have TWO EMT's!!! TWO! ONE, TWO!!! Not four or however many you have in there! And only FAMILY or other victims are allowed to ride in the ambulance! (mutters more about "author no baka")

> As they pulled away, Rei thought to herself, Haruka's gonna get
>it this time, and went to tell Kino Makoto.

Haruka: What? And ruin the perfect image she has of me? Perish the thought...

Michiru: Nani? -_-

Haruka: Ummm...I mean....oh shit.

> Finally, after what seemed to be a small eternity, the small
>ambulance pulled up at the BIG hospital. The paramedics took out the
>stretcher and put it on the wheeled cart thingy. (I don't know what it

Spork: Finally the author admits he's an idiot!

>They ran through the EMERGENCY doors. All Michiru and Minako could
>do was

Haruka: Pray for him to die?

Michiru: Shoot themselves in the head to be spared the rest of this godawful fic?

Spork: Beat their heads against the wall in hopes of drowning out the rest of the fic and preserving some small part of their sanity?


Spork: Oh. That too.

> The girls (except Haruka) decided to meet at Rei's Shinto temple
>right then. Minako and Michiru walked.

Spork: Not any other time, but RIGHT THEN. Like the random smiting of someone who deserves it is a major crisis. And a crossfire smiting too. your attack isn't exactly selective, Michiru.

> Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto, Hotaru, Setsuna, and Chibi-Usa were on
>the steps.

Michiru: Nani? What happened to continuity?

Haruka: Apparently this author really does know next to nothing, love.

>Even Yuuichiro was there. But Grampa wasn't there. (That was

Spork: This is just too prime an opportunity. I couldn't.

Haruka: I will. Grampa was too busy trying to steal some panties from the schoolgirls down the street.

Spork: Hentai.

Haruka: ^_^ Thank you. (Twirls Michiru's panties on her index finger)

>Michiru had a small smile on her face when she saw her friends
>waiting for her.

Michiru: Now I'm friends with them? When did this happen??

Spork: Head...pain...ow...

> "Hi everyone," Michiru said.
> "Still depressed?" Rei asked. A tear sprang to Michiru's eyes.

Michiru: I'm crying over a baka? What? Am I totally nuts?

> "Let's just sit down inside. I have tea and rice balls

Haruka: Now that one is just too prime to say anything for.

>if anyone
>wants any," Rei said. Usagi perked up. Grampa came and told Yuuichiro
>that he'd best leave the girls be.
> Michiru lay on a couch. All she could do was cry.

Michiru: (hugging Haruka and sitting on her lap) The only reason I would ever cry like that was if my kakkoi Haruka left me.

Haruka: Thank you. I feel better now.

> "Someone's not a happy camper," Yuuichiro said, peeking in the
>large room.
> "Yuuichiro, you baka! Get outta here!" Rei yelled. Yuuichiro

Spork: O.o?

>away quickly. Rei mumbled, "Good riddance" and turned to
> "Why don't we go check on Greg?" she suggested. Michiru smiled a
>bit and nodded. "Okay."
> Peeking in on the little group was Haruka. She watched Michiru's
>emotions with a careful eye. Then, she counted to three and opened the
>door WIDE.

Spork: I quote Pesti-chan....hurting...stop...when?

> "HARUKA!" yelled Michiru. She snatched up her wand quick as a

Spork: Ouch. I would rather be Chaos than finish this.

> "Neptune Planet Power, Make Up!"
> "Fine then!" Haruka replied with "Uranus Planet Power, Make Up!"

Haruka: Babe, have we ever fought in our senshi forms?

Michiru: Well, we certainly weren't fighting the last time.

Spork: >< TMI!!!

> Setsuna wanted to break up the battle. "Pluto Planet Power, Make
> "World Shaking!" Uranus sent a planet-shaped blast at Neptune.
>When the blast hit, Neptune shook like an earthquake.

Haruka: (looks at Michiru) I'm sorry.

> "Deep Submerge!" She fought back with the planet-shaped blast of
>water. Uranus got soaked.

Michiru: (looks at Haruka) I'm sorry.

Spork: And I'm sorry that we have to be reading this not-even-worth-the-title-of-fic fic.

> "Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!" Super Sailor Mars came up. She
>prepared to use her attack
> "Mars Flame Sniper!" The fiery arrow stopped both of them. "Calm
>down," Sailor Mars said, jumping in-between the two.

Spork: Continuity means nothing, apparently.

> Neptune took out her Aqua Mirror and Uranus took out her Space
>Sword. Carefully aiming over Mars' head, Neptune prepared.

Haruka and Michiru: (looking at each other) I'm sorry.

Spork: So kawaii they make you sick.

> "Submarine Reflection!"
> "Space Sword Blaster!"
> Usagi then figured out that she was the only way to break this

Spork: Ugh. Not that again. Can't people come up with a better plot twist?

> "Moon Cosmic Power, Make Up!" After transforming...
> "Crisis, make up!"
> Super Sailor Moon (I think)

Spork: WHAT THE FUCK!! He doesn't even know what form Sailormoon is in? AND HE WRITES A FIC??? BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA!!!

>came up and held out the Moon Rod.

Spork: No hentai comments, PLEASE.

Haruka: Who, us?

Michiru: Never!

> "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" Two blasts of rainbow energy hit
>Neptune and Uranus.

Spork: And then, like magic, everything was made better WITHOUT ANY FORM OF ADULT CONVERSATION! BAKA!

>Neptune hit her amulet first. Then Uranus did.
>Michiru suggested going to see Greg.

Haruka: Ouch.

Michiru: I'm sorry, Haruka...I don't like him at all. You're the only one I want.

Haruka: ^_^

> Haruka and Michiru rode on Haruka's motorcycle. Even Usagi

Spork: Oh, like she doesn't smile enough?

> "Just like old times," Ami said.
> "Yup," Rei added.
> "Uh-huh," Makoto added.
> "Yes," Minako said.
> "That's ENOUGH!" Usagi yelled.

Haruka, Michiru and Spork: We can only wish.

>"Mamo-chan, go get the car!"

Spork: Crack that whip, Usagi! Remind us of Tira Misu! Oooo baby!

Haruka: (hits Spork in the back fo the head with the Space Sword)

Spork: (Blinks) Thanks.

>Mamoru drove over in his car and the other girls piled into it. They
>followed Haruka's motorcycle to the Tokyo General Hospital.

Haruka: Ok, that's it. This author is dead. I do not drive that slow!

Michiru: You make no comment about the massacre of my character, Haruka.

Haruka: Shimatta. I'm in deep, aren't I?

Michiru: Deep doesn't even begin to describe it.

> At the front desk, Michiru asked for Greg Watts.

Michiru: When did I ask for his last name?

Spork: Head...hurt...pain...bad...evil...ow...

>A nurse led them
>to his room. But Michiru told Mamoru to stay and wait for her. She had
>to get him something.

Michiru: Wait a minute...I told Mamoru-baka? What about my kakkoi Haruka?

> In the gift shop, Michiru got a small teddy bear and some
>flowers. She put the two things behind her back and Mamoru led her to
>Greg's room.

Spork: Thus belying the fact that Mamoru couldn't find his way out of a paper bag.

> Everyone was inside, even Haruka.
> "Greg?" Michiru asked softly.
> "Michiru?" Greg said, a hint of laryngitis in his voice.

Haruka: I didn't choke him!

Michiru: For which I am very upset, Haruka.

Haruka: Dammit. ~_~

> "For you," Michiru said, handing Greg the flowers and teddy bear.
>She looked at the heartbeat machine thing.

Spork: Author no baka...DO RESEARCH. Find out the names of these things!

> "Greg, it's pretty slowE Michiru began.
> "Yeah. Doc says I'm dyin'. So I says, 'Get Michiru over here'. He
>brings ya over, Bob's your uncle, I'm almost dead."

Haruka: (blinks)

Michiru: (blinks)

Spork: (blinks)

Haruka: I hit him once in the face and once in the stomach and he's dying? What about those times when I kicked those guys who wanted to mess with me and my bike in episode 98? They were able to run away and I know I kicked them harder than I punched baka on the bed there.

> "Tough luck."
> "I know."
> "Well, there's one thing I wanted to do," Michiru said.
> "What?" Greg said.
> "You'll see," Michiru said. She leaned over and kissed GregEn
>the lips even!

Haruka: ....

Michiru: M-Masaka.

Spork: Haruka? You ok? You look a little...pale.

Haruka: You...kissed...him... (Haruka starts to turn red.) You...kissed...a man.

Michiru: I didn't want to! I want only you! YOU! My kakkoi little racer!

Haruka: You...kissed...him... (Is catatonic)

Michiru: I'm killing the author for this. Haruka! HARUKA! Look at me! I LOVE YOU! (grabs Haruka's head and kisses her until she starts to respond)

Haruka: (blinks) Hello, Michiru. Did I miss anything?

> Greg seemed to be surprised.

Spork: Greg-baka ain't the only one.

> "Greg, I love you.

Spork: Despite the fact that I don't know you at all...

Michiru: And despite the fact that my heart belongs totally completely and irreversibly to Haruka...

>I know you will be dead oh-so-soon,

Michiru: I refuse to be associated with anyone who says a sentence like that.

>but I'll
>play my violin at your funeral," Michiru finished.

Haruka: Like we wish this fic would.

>Everyone except
>Haruka and Michiru left to leave them alone. Haruka held Michiru's hand
>as Greg died.
> A nurse came in.
> "He's dead." Michiru started crying on Haruka's shoulder. Haruka
>patted her on the back but began crying, too.

Haruka: Nani? I hate that guy! (sings to the tune of "The Wicked Witch is Dead") Ding dong, the dick is dead, Which evil dick? That evil dick! Ding dong, the evil dick is dead!

Michiru: And there was much rejoicing.

Spork: Yea.

> Usagi opened the door a crack and looked in. When she saw the
>scene, she cried, too. Greg's worn-out body was in the hospital bed.
>Ten'ou Haruka and Kaioh Michiru were crying. Tsukino Usagi, Mizuno Ami,
>Hino Rei, Kino Makoto, Aino Minako, Tomoe Hotaru, Meiou Setsuna, Chibi-
>Usa, and Chiba Mamoru soon followed.

Spork: Followed where? The depths of hell? Oh wait, we're already there. And was it truly necessary to use thier full names now instead of WHEN THEY WERE FIRST INTRODUCED!!

> A few days later
> Haruka was driving to the funeral. She had on a black dress.

Haruka: WHAT!

Michiru: WHAT!

Spork: Of all the...I don't think so!

Haruka: I wouldn't wear a dress to that baka's funeral! I wouldn't be at his funeral!

>Michiru had a black dress on, too. In fact, everyone had either black
>or purple on. It was a day of mourning.

Spork: And here, it is a day of rejoicing. Greg-baka is dead.

> As promised, Michiru played her violin, and played it well, too.

Michiru: Not like it's possible for me to play it BADLY.

>Greg's mother gave the eulogy and everyone cried as 19-year-old Greg
>Watts was lowered into his final resting place (even Michiru, whose
>eyes were so wet, she couldn't read the notes on her sheet music).

Haruka, Michiru and Spork: HOORAY!!!

> That night, back in Apartment 7

Spork: The magical apartment that grants your wishes!

Michiru: I wish this fic would end soon!

> "Haruka, I'm sorry," Michiru said.
> "It's OK. You were mad and had nobody else to take it out on."

Haruka: I did. I could have tracked down the author and flambeed his ass! Baka-steak anyone? Well-done?

> "Haruka, from now on, we'll always stick together." They held
>hands tightly to keep their vow.

Haruka: We need an excuse to hold hands now?

Michiru: Does anyone else want to find a nice big Gundam and smite the author?

Haruka and Spork: Yes.

> Author's Note: Thanks for reading the story. I live on feedback
>(well, maybe not). I'd like to hear from you.

Haruka: Oh, you'll be hearing from me, buddy boy.

> My e-mail is: But don't flame me.
>It's pointless.

Haruka: Oh you mean like this mockery of a fic?

Spork: Damn, this was painful.

Michiru: What did we do to be dragged into this, Spork?

Spork: ^_^ Nothing, I just needed the moral support.

Haruka: (eyebrow twitch)

Michiru: (eyebrow twitch)

Spork: Umm...are you two ok?

Haruka: You made my cute, innocent little Michiru sit thru that mockery of a fanfic...just because you wanted THE COMPANY???!!!


Michiru: Doesn't Spork look a lot like Chaos when she's all super deformed?


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